Today, I sat on a sports field in Harrisonburg, VA while hundreds of young people walked to their seats for their graduation ceremony. It was windy, but the sun began to peek through the clouds just as the graduates queued up to march between the rows of chairs where their family and friends waited. As the graduates marched by in their purple robes, holding onto their caps in the stiff breeze, the clouds blew away and the warmth of the sun and the blue of the sky reflected the delight of the graduates, their loved ones, and (probably) their professors.
My youngest daughter was walking in the ceremony, marking the end of her undergraduate education. Her curly, blonde hair (recently cut into a cute chin-length bob) was the easiest thing to spot amid the hundreds of others in the same cap and gown. I was happy for her - college presented her with quite a few challenges, and she deserves recognition for her hard work. I felt some relief in knowledge that she had gotten this far, maneuvering the many hazards of youth and adolescence as she becomes a contributing adult member of society.
As I watched these graduates and their families, knowing that many others were probably sharing my thoughts, I was brought up short by another thought. There is another family that will not have this experience this spring, or ever. They will not watch, smiling, as their daughter walks with friends on this ceremonial rite of passage. While I was watching my daughter, they were preparing to bury theirs. My throat ached and my eyes filled with tears – tears for their unbearable pain and for the loss of all the things their daughter would have contributed to this world.
All week, I have followed the death of UVA student Yeardley Love at the hands of her former boyfriend at the end of her undergraduate career. I have lived with the knowledge that this could have happened to one of my girls, that the desire of one human being to control another sometimes ends with the ultimate power and control of murder. I have been disgusted with press attempts to relate this homicide with alcohol abuse, when the truth is that it was an individual’s need to control another’s behavior that caused him to repeatedly slam her head violently into a wall. Standing at the beginning of my daughter’s graduation, I was overwhelmed with sadness.
Women are raised with the knowledge that the majority of the other half of the population has the capability to harm us, if they desire. They are typically bigger and stronger than we are, socialized to be aggressive. However, the large majority of them don’t. They may break our hearts, they may not do what we want them to do, but they are good partners and fathers and brothers and coworkers and friends. It’s the ones that cannot have healthy relationships that ruin it for the rest.
I have raised two daughters to adulthood, and am just beginning to move two sons very slowly to pre-teen years. Today, I was reminded how important it is to teach them how to treat others and what it is their right to expect from relationships. A graduation may seem a strange time to be reminded of such parental duty, but it seems to me that it is a perfect time. At these times where we remember where we’ve come from and look forward to where we’re going, I am reminded of my obligations to all children to do my best to help make the world a better place – and I hope that all those graduates have the same commitment, because I really need their help.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Why Women in their 40's Love Facebook (or, "Why So Many in Their Teens and Twenties Are Ticked to Have Their Moms On Their Social Networking Site")
In 2009, at the urging of a member of my grad school cohort, I joined Facebook. On my profile it says that I joined, "...to make my daughters laugh, and hope they will be my friend." Suffice it to say, my daughters did not laugh. They groaned. They complained. It was like having them back in the house as teenagers. My eldest, a UVA alum, once again went on and on about how Facebook originally was just Harvard and then expanded to UVA - like there is some sort of right of primogentiture to being able to network on Face book. I was invading their lives and privacy, apparently, through participating in an online forum.
Since joining Facebook, however, I have discovered advantages far beyond what I originally expected. Since I am a woman in my 40's, and in my conversations with my peers who are on Facebook we all seem to have similar motivations, I have some ideas about why women in their 40's like Facebook. In a non-prioritized list, here they are!
1) I have connected with family members who live in a vast array of locations. I find out what is happening with their families, learn interesting things about their lives, share some of their fun, and feel I know them a little better. For someone with 37 first cousins (plus their spouses and children), this is a godsend!
2)I have connected with friends from high school, college, and prior work environments. Like in #1 above, I find out where they are, what they are doing, etc. This is useful in all sorts of networking, and helps me in reclaiming my past.
3) I enjoy some of the little quizes and other funny things you can do on Facebook. So, it serves as a source of entertainment.
4) I am able to open, contribute to, or maintain a dialogue on a variety of issues with interesting people (i.e., my "Friends") and enjoy the connectedness and intellectual stimulation.
5) Comments from my "Friends" often make me laugh, and often give me support. Believe it or not, I thrive on the words of encouragement and affirmation I get. I know that they are sincere and they can really make my day.
So, kids, ease up on your moms (and grandparents, aunts & uncles, former teachers and much youger siblings)! As part of this web-based community, we are all attempting to reach out to each other - including you! Our true purpose on this earth is relationship and resulting good from these relationships. Facebook merely give us another venue to achieve this purpose.
Since joining Facebook, however, I have discovered advantages far beyond what I originally expected. Since I am a woman in my 40's, and in my conversations with my peers who are on Facebook we all seem to have similar motivations, I have some ideas about why women in their 40's like Facebook. In a non-prioritized list, here they are!
1) I have connected with family members who live in a vast array of locations. I find out what is happening with their families, learn interesting things about their lives, share some of their fun, and feel I know them a little better. For someone with 37 first cousins (plus their spouses and children), this is a godsend!
2)I have connected with friends from high school, college, and prior work environments. Like in #1 above, I find out where they are, what they are doing, etc. This is useful in all sorts of networking, and helps me in reclaiming my past.
3) I enjoy some of the little quizes and other funny things you can do on Facebook. So, it serves as a source of entertainment.
4) I am able to open, contribute to, or maintain a dialogue on a variety of issues with interesting people (i.e., my "Friends") and enjoy the connectedness and intellectual stimulation.
5) Comments from my "Friends" often make me laugh, and often give me support. Believe it or not, I thrive on the words of encouragement and affirmation I get. I know that they are sincere and they can really make my day.
So, kids, ease up on your moms (and grandparents, aunts & uncles, former teachers and much youger siblings)! As part of this web-based community, we are all attempting to reach out to each other - including you! Our true purpose on this earth is relationship and resulting good from these relationships. Facebook merely give us another venue to achieve this purpose.
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Verizon Center as the new "wild west"?
First, please note the question mark at the end of this post's title.
Second, I'm not really sure where to begin. So, news outlets reported that Gilbert Arenas of the Wizards was in a spot of trouble for having guns in his locker at the Center. Apparently, he felt that with a new baby in the house, he did not feel comfortable having them there. That was bizarre to me. After all, Arenas already had three kids before this baby arrived home. Did he not care about their safety? Did one of those toddlers make a threat against the new baby? (Hey, it could happen - sibling rivalry is an intense thing. I speak from experience as the middle child of five.)
Third, today I read that Arenas pulled a gun on a fellow player (Crittenton) who was upset with Mr. A. about an unpaid gambling debt. This was reported to occur on Dec. 24, the same day that Arenas was cited for having the weapons in violation of league, team and Center policy (and, presumably, DC law). Arenas then tweeted glibly about the incident.
Of course, this is not the first time that firearms have been a challenge for Mr. Arenas. He had to sit out some games for not having his guns properly registered in California. But pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room? Really? As the director of the player's union said (I am paraphrasing), "this is unprecendented."
So, what do the Wizards do now? How do you build a team with guys who pull guns on each other in the locker room? That seems to be rather excessive, even in the colorful world of the NBA.
Actually, this may help cement my decision to not give a darn about professional basketball. I've always loved college ball, but have found little redeeming in the play of superstars who win games by fouling hard in a sport that was not supposed to be a contact activity. Not that I don't admire their skill - I just admire it more when played at the level where finesse is emphasized over brute force. As for Mr. Arenas, I'm just not buying what you are selling anymore.
Second, I'm not really sure where to begin. So, news outlets reported that Gilbert Arenas of the Wizards was in a spot of trouble for having guns in his locker at the Center. Apparently, he felt that with a new baby in the house, he did not feel comfortable having them there. That was bizarre to me. After all, Arenas already had three kids before this baby arrived home. Did he not care about their safety? Did one of those toddlers make a threat against the new baby? (Hey, it could happen - sibling rivalry is an intense thing. I speak from experience as the middle child of five.)
Third, today I read that Arenas pulled a gun on a fellow player (Crittenton) who was upset with Mr. A. about an unpaid gambling debt. This was reported to occur on Dec. 24, the same day that Arenas was cited for having the weapons in violation of league, team and Center policy (and, presumably, DC law). Arenas then tweeted glibly about the incident.
Of course, this is not the first time that firearms have been a challenge for Mr. Arenas. He had to sit out some games for not having his guns properly registered in California. But pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room? Really? As the director of the player's union said (I am paraphrasing), "this is unprecendented."
So, what do the Wizards do now? How do you build a team with guys who pull guns on each other in the locker room? That seems to be rather excessive, even in the colorful world of the NBA.
Actually, this may help cement my decision to not give a darn about professional basketball. I've always loved college ball, but have found little redeeming in the play of superstars who win games by fouling hard in a sport that was not supposed to be a contact activity. Not that I don't admire their skill - I just admire it more when played at the level where finesse is emphasized over brute force. As for Mr. Arenas, I'm just not buying what you are selling anymore.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Some things I wonder about....
There are many things I wonder about, but here are some specific ones:
1) Why do they continually call it "health care reform"? Isn't it really "health insurance reform" and isn't that really the issue? Health care is not going anywhere and will still be handled in the same ways. The real problem is health insurance companies who, by the way, did not need to be bailed out in the past couple of years.
2) Are hockey officials the most in-shape of all professional sports referees? I mean, they skate forwards and backwards, jump up on the boards to avoid the puck as it moves around, and blow a whistle. Absolutely phenomenal - most girls want to skate like Michelle Kwan, I want to skate like those guys!
3) Who will be the next head coach for the Redskins? I'm not so sure I care about this. What I really care about is who will be the next owner!
4) Why did the box of outdoor LED icicle lights I bought say, "Clear" when they are really blue? Yes, I know all about LED being blue. However, they said "clear." I expected clear. I can live with blue, though.
5) How did that guy get on the Delta flight, when he was on the terror suspect list and his father had contacted officials about his concerns that his son was a threat? When do we actually begin to hold the airlines responsible for whom they let on airplanes? Good grief, this guy was practically handed to authorities and he still got on a plane with incendiary items.
That's it for now...look for my upcoming post on "Why women in their 40's love facebook!"
1) Why do they continually call it "health care reform"? Isn't it really "health insurance reform" and isn't that really the issue? Health care is not going anywhere and will still be handled in the same ways. The real problem is health insurance companies who, by the way, did not need to be bailed out in the past couple of years.
2) Are hockey officials the most in-shape of all professional sports referees? I mean, they skate forwards and backwards, jump up on the boards to avoid the puck as it moves around, and blow a whistle. Absolutely phenomenal - most girls want to skate like Michelle Kwan, I want to skate like those guys!
3) Who will be the next head coach for the Redskins? I'm not so sure I care about this. What I really care about is who will be the next owner!
4) Why did the box of outdoor LED icicle lights I bought say, "Clear" when they are really blue? Yes, I know all about LED being blue. However, they said "clear." I expected clear. I can live with blue, though.
5) How did that guy get on the Delta flight, when he was on the terror suspect list and his father had contacted officials about his concerns that his son was a threat? When do we actually begin to hold the airlines responsible for whom they let on airplanes? Good grief, this guy was practically handed to authorities and he still got on a plane with incendiary items.
That's it for now...look for my upcoming post on "Why women in their 40's love facebook!"
Friday, December 4, 2009
Party Crashing as an Art Form?
I have followed very carefully the stories following the Salahi's party-crashing ways. It's fascinating how the story has moved over the past week to the point where the Office of the Virginia Attorney General is now investigating their charity. What follows is a list of things I like about this whole situation.
1. People were actually incensed at bad behavior from an etiquette perspective. I have been very concerned that basic etiquette is dead in our society, or at best a dinosaur that is resurrected for people who think it's quaint. Attending an event uninvited where invitations were issued is clearly an etiquett violation and these people are being severely criticized from almost every sector of society.
2. Charities get away with a lot, saying that they are to benefit some specific group and are thus above careful examination because of the good of the cause (and, yes, I include religious entities here). To me, no organization should be above careful examination in their actions and finances simply because of a mission statement. The careful examination of the Salahis' charity is occurring because their antics got them noticed, and what is being discovered will bring out more bad behavior on the part of these people.
3. There is still something to be said for dressing and acting the part. So often I am told that appearances matter too much and that we should not be so focused on how people look and act but on their talents. The Salahis' talents clearly lay in looking and acting like they fit in. He looks good in a tux - she is attractive, trim, and can wear both formal and informal clothing like a model. Her hair and makeup are good. This is how they get in places, and get all those photos, bringing me to the next item....
4. Photos on the internet are not always what they seem. Information on the internet is not always correct. Our practical minds know this, but many see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe.
5. This is NOT an example of hind sight, but there is no substitute for careful planning and implementation. Clearly, there were a lot of slip-ups, but the worst transgressions were by the Secret Service and Desiree Rogers. The Secret Service did not check credentials, and Ms. Rogers did not do her job. She should have been working the event, not acting as a guest. For me, who has as much fun planning an event as attending, the emphasis that the party crashers have had on the importance of thorough planning is a type of vindication to my lifestyle!
Lastly, many of us addicted to pop culture might be enjoying more proof that the lifestyle found in the film "Wedding Crashers" actually exists. Party crashing just might be an art form to some, but it appears to have some intense consequences!
1. People were actually incensed at bad behavior from an etiquette perspective. I have been very concerned that basic etiquette is dead in our society, or at best a dinosaur that is resurrected for people who think it's quaint. Attending an event uninvited where invitations were issued is clearly an etiquett violation and these people are being severely criticized from almost every sector of society.
2. Charities get away with a lot, saying that they are to benefit some specific group and are thus above careful examination because of the good of the cause (and, yes, I include religious entities here). To me, no organization should be above careful examination in their actions and finances simply because of a mission statement. The careful examination of the Salahis' charity is occurring because their antics got them noticed, and what is being discovered will bring out more bad behavior on the part of these people.
3. There is still something to be said for dressing and acting the part. So often I am told that appearances matter too much and that we should not be so focused on how people look and act but on their talents. The Salahis' talents clearly lay in looking and acting like they fit in. He looks good in a tux - she is attractive, trim, and can wear both formal and informal clothing like a model. Her hair and makeup are good. This is how they get in places, and get all those photos, bringing me to the next item....
4. Photos on the internet are not always what they seem. Information on the internet is not always correct. Our practical minds know this, but many see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe.
5. This is NOT an example of hind sight, but there is no substitute for careful planning and implementation. Clearly, there were a lot of slip-ups, but the worst transgressions were by the Secret Service and Desiree Rogers. The Secret Service did not check credentials, and Ms. Rogers did not do her job. She should have been working the event, not acting as a guest. For me, who has as much fun planning an event as attending, the emphasis that the party crashers have had on the importance of thorough planning is a type of vindication to my lifestyle!
Lastly, many of us addicted to pop culture might be enjoying more proof that the lifestyle found in the film "Wedding Crashers" actually exists. Party crashing just might be an art form to some, but it appears to have some intense consequences!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Have you walked a mile in their...hair?
In the break room, a coworker looked over my shoulder at the article I was reading about D.C. School Chancellor, Michelle Rhee and commented, “Isn’t there more important news than her hair style?” Well, that got me thinking. First, I had been enjoying the article and looking at Ms. Rhee’s new ‘do. Then I began to wonder if that made me shallow, superficial, and not truly caring about the District’s children and their education.
It’s hard not to be aware of the problems that exist throughout the D.C. Public School system. This is neither new information, nor is it unique to the District. Problems with infrastructure, support, teacher quality, test scores, and the myriad of difficulties experienced by urban public schools fill newspapers and websites. We all know this. We may have our own ideas about what is wrong and how to fix it. However, we do not have the credentials or authority to implement change.
On the other hand, Ms. Rhee does have the credentials and the authority. I have watched her as she works to address problems that seem to me overwhelming. But, Michelle Rhee and I have one thing in common. Every day we deal with our hair.
Hair is a great equalizer, even if we no longer possess it. Good hair days, bad hair days, new styles, addressing hair loss, color mishaps, and finding the right product are things anyone can appreciate. I admit I have a “thing” about hairstyles. I appreciate good hair on anyone, male or female, and am a little jealous of someone with a perfect coif. I possess an abundance of naturally, curly (I would call it “unruly”) hair that never looks the same twice. I used to blow dry it straight, until I finally decided to stop fighting my hair and accept what genetics had decreed. (However, I do believe that my hair color is meant to be experimented with, especially since I got my first gray hair at age 26.)
So, I’m not being shallow, superficial and uncaring about the education of the District’s children when I take note of the Chancellor’s new ‘do and consider the effect it has on how I see her. I am finding common ground and relating to her on a human level, which serves to remind me that she is just a person attempting to do a very big job.
It’s hard not to be aware of the problems that exist throughout the D.C. Public School system. This is neither new information, nor is it unique to the District. Problems with infrastructure, support, teacher quality, test scores, and the myriad of difficulties experienced by urban public schools fill newspapers and websites. We all know this. We may have our own ideas about what is wrong and how to fix it. However, we do not have the credentials or authority to implement change.
On the other hand, Ms. Rhee does have the credentials and the authority. I have watched her as she works to address problems that seem to me overwhelming. But, Michelle Rhee and I have one thing in common. Every day we deal with our hair.
Hair is a great equalizer, even if we no longer possess it. Good hair days, bad hair days, new styles, addressing hair loss, color mishaps, and finding the right product are things anyone can appreciate. I admit I have a “thing” about hairstyles. I appreciate good hair on anyone, male or female, and am a little jealous of someone with a perfect coif. I possess an abundance of naturally, curly (I would call it “unruly”) hair that never looks the same twice. I used to blow dry it straight, until I finally decided to stop fighting my hair and accept what genetics had decreed. (However, I do believe that my hair color is meant to be experimented with, especially since I got my first gray hair at age 26.)
So, I’m not being shallow, superficial and uncaring about the education of the District’s children when I take note of the Chancellor’s new ‘do and consider the effect it has on how I see her. I am finding common ground and relating to her on a human level, which serves to remind me that she is just a person attempting to do a very big job.
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